According to Jennifer James, author of “Women & the Blues”, we need to have enemies as part of our personal growth. She mentions that historically, women needed the support and approval of the community (including other women) in order to have security; so we all learned how to be "nice" and "popular." However, an independent life lived with passion and integrity means one is bound to offend or irritate someone, somewhere, and thus create enemies.This doesn't mean being judgemental or hyper-critical of others, or constantly fostering discord to gain attention, nor taking umbrage at every variance from one's own views. James comments, "Enemies are a test of our honour, not an excuse for giving it up." She seems to be advocating instead that women save the energy we waste on trying to get everyone to like us (doesn't work anyway), and gain energy and insight from our exchanges with worthy opponents.
Most of my old enemies have faded into the past. None of them seem to have any impact on my life, and haven’t for a long time. This is partly due to the fact that, for some years now, my social life has also faded into the past. Not being really big on multitasking, I’ve focussed in on my immediate family and our issues, especially raising a child with Asperger’s Syndrome. This doesn’t leave a lot of time to cultivate friendships or enmities. My current lack of enemies is also partly due to the fairly common human trait of avoiding conflict, especially as we get older and want to cut down on those sudden spikes of high blood pressure. Yes, I admit, as a younger woman, being aggressive and engaging in a heated argument over ethics or politics, was indeed quite a turn-on. At fifty, I get plenty of heat just standing still, and added stress doesn’t help matters.
But, I do still hold grudges, especially against those who really deserve it. Like the ones who pull their nasty passive-aggressive stunt, then withdraw, and refuse to engage in open debate. The ones whose personal dramas wreak havoc within an organization, and who then take no responsibility for cleaning up the mess they’ve made. The school principal, She Who Shall Not Be Named, whose stubborn and wrong-headed approach to “discipline” nearly screwed up my kid’s life. But she needs a whole essay to herself.
In spite of a tendency to hold grudges, there are a few old enemies out there that I am curious about. If I ran into one of them, would I react instinctively to all the old damage, by putting up my guard and being self-protective? Would we immediately pick up the thread of the old argument? Would it be possible to either resolve, or let go of, old conflicts? Would I find that I, unexpectedly, like these people now?
As my husband and I come to terms with the life-long implications of our child’s diagnosis, and as we watch her progress and mature, we are making small forays out of our social isolation. We’ve each dropped some old relationships, reinforced others, forged new friendships, and are beginning to make social connections based on our interests. I’m looking forward to meeting some new enemies. And besides personal relationships, what about diversity and richness in our language? As well as all the friendly phrases having to do with connectivity and cooperation, people also need on occasion to be at loggerheads, to fall out, bear malice, be on bad terms, at daggers drawn, feel disaffected, estranged, irreconcilable, experience discord, hostility, rancor, animosity, aversion, and get to know a few antagonists, foes, opponents and snakes in the grass.
Recently I read a short piece in the Globe and Mail, announcing that an ancient, indigenous language spoken only in a certain area of Mexico, is now in danger of extinction. It's an oral language with no written expression, and it seems that the last two living remnants of this language live in the same small community. But they're no longer speaking to each other.
